This article is a quick guide to getting PHP 5 running on your Windows machine (be it Windows 98/Me or Windows NT/2000/XP/2003). Note! I advise you remove all files like php.ini and PHP related DLLs from the Windows SYSTEM folder before moving on with a new PHP installation.

1. Download the PHP binaries

PHP is free and comes complete with the source code. If you are not interested in hacking the PHP source code, you can simply download the Windows binaries. Both the binaries and the source code can be found at the PHP website. At the time I wrote this, the relevant PHP binary to download comes in a zip file (PHP 5.1.3 zip package). The Windows installer version does not include the binaries to run PHP5 as an Apache module.

This article explains how to install, configure and run mySQL 5.0.x under Microsoft Windows. Note! You might want to install Apache HTTP server first, and if you have an older version of MySQL (4.x.x) it’s a VERY good idea to uninstall this first (don’t forget to backup…).

1. Download the latest version of MySQL 5

Download and install the latest version of MySQL 5.0.x from http://dev.mysql.com/downloads/mysql/5.0.html. Just make sure you get a Windows 95/98/NT/2000/XP/2003 (x86) binary, Windows Essentials (x86) version (skip all the questions part and scroll down to the mirrors list).

My file was named: “mysql-essential-5.0.20-win32.msi“

This article explains how to install, configure and run Apache 2.0 under Microsoft Windows. Note! Running Apache on Windows 9x is not thoroughly tested, and it is never recommended on production systems.

Information on the latest versions of Apache can be found on the web site of the Apache web server at http://httpd.apache.org/download.cgi. There you will find the current release, as well as more recent alpha or beta test versions, and a list of HTTP and FTP mirrors from which you can download the Apache web server. Please use a mirror near to you for a fast and reliable download.

For Windows installations you should download the version of Apache for Windows with the .msi extension. This is a single Microsoft Installer file, which contains a ready-to-run version of Apache.

Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year…have a laugh and read on.

Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words…. A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept….)

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about:

• Can you cry under water?
• How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
• Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
• Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
• Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
• What disease did cured ham actually have?
• How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
• Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
• If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
• Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
• Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
• Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
• Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
• Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
• If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
• Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
• Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
• Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
• Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?